I was in a first car accident when I was around 19. I was on my way home from taking a college exam and half-awake because I stayed up late studying, when I was in a hit and run accident. The injuries were minor, but the shock was more memorable, and it wasn't because the driver ran and left me and the person behind me injured. In fact, shock did not come until I watched my dad run down the hallway of a hospital to get to me with a complete fear and worry on his face. I think this might have been the first time I might have witnessed my father cry. Tears of joy that I was ok.
When I was in my 30s, I was in and out of hospital with depression. Believe me, not an easy thing to admit nor discuss publicly, but it must be done. As I replayed the 8 months of misery in my head and try to connect the dots of what it could have been attributed to, my thoughts scattered all over the place. I remember family and friends came to see me when I was at my most vulnerable state to support me and tell me that it's going to be ok, that they will help pull me out of my state of mind. I remember my sister crying at my house as she spent numerous nights staying with me to make sure I was ok and quietly praying to get her sister back. I remember Pastor Tim from our church, coming to see me and pray with me at the hospital when I had lost myself, my kids lost their mom, my husband lost his wife at least that's what it felt like, from what I do recall that I remember.
I was a stay-at-home mom for 10 years before my depression hit hard in my 30s. Being a parent was never a question, I knew from a young age I wanted to be a mom, never thought I would have four kids, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I beat myself up during those years thinking I wasn't doing enough for my family because my husband was our main source of income and he was the provider for our family and all I did was just take care of the kids when they were sick, homework, activities, grocery shopping, cooking and laundry. Daycare is expensive even with one kid, imagine four and giving your entire paycheck to just have someone else watch your child for you.
The initial idea of becoming a stay-at-home parent for our kids was mutual between my husband and I and it was not an easy one, one child struggled with emotional health, the other one with other health challenges. It was never a light decision but at the time we felt it was the best decision for our family and for me. And as reassuring as it is to hear your spouse proclaim how important your role was during that time, it's not the same as self-realizing it because nobody really knows the true hidden emotions of a stay-at-home parent. You feel and think other people judge you all the time and sometimes maybe they do, well in that case let God be the judge. But more often than not, we have a way of brainwashing ourselves.
After a while you find yourself not wanting to get out of bed or the house, the relationship with your spouse (that spark) is gone, you follow the same routine every day, you feel like a taxi driver, a cook, a doctor, a housekeeper, Zumba is just a sound anymore, food on your plate at dinner time is more of a chore to eat after you've threatened early bedtime to your kids if they didn't finish at least half of what was on their plate.
Waking up every hour you wish your partner was the one lactating, you are welcome ladies, but for all you men out there thank you for helping with all you could and changing diapers...ok I can't complain my husband had to travel a lot for work but nevertheless he was and he still is a hands-on dad-in case he reads this post, you are welcome babe, I do appreciate you. Staying up late with worry and checking up on your kids and spouse whenever they run a fever or are sick, it's our nature and it doesn't just apply to stay-at-home moms, it applies to dads and other caretakers. It is hard work even if it is without financial compensation. We worry about our kids, spouses, friends, relatives no matter how old they are, it's our human nature.
I got married young, had my first son and then my marriage fell apart. I felt anger, bitterness, fear, arrogance, hatred, resentment, sorrow, passivity, slander, possessiveness, rebellion, unforgiveness. I put on a shield of pride and moved forward with my life not being able to let go of those emotions for a long time. I did not want my family or friends to know what I was really going through.
When I got remarried, the chronic irrational thoughts of being a good daughter in law, good mother, wife, sister-in-law only added to the fear. Fear that I realized later in life I had created for myself, due to walking through life in stride and with pride but also unresolved traumas stemming from childhood and adulthood.
Conscious and unconscious memories of things that happened or fears of things (often times irrational) that might or will happen. I found myself constantly judging and overthinking and overanalyzing everyone and everything, from their comments to their actions. It's that feeling of wanting to please everyone but wanting to have control of everything, I failed notoriously. How? My relationships with friends and family started to deteriorate and when that happened life began to lose sweetness, so did my health. I felt alone, even though family and friends tried nonstop to break through my wall of pride.
Over time and as the family circumstances and situations called for the need of that wall to be broken down, even if it was a slow process, and that's alright as shameful as it might feel at times to admit, your family and friends are still going to stand there right behind that tall wall for you, as they have for me and I will forever be grateful to them all for that.
We go through life with a blindfold on, too afraid of judgement and being imperfect in the eyes of others when in reality we are the only ones judging ourselves. Whatever your reason for choosing the path that you have for yourself, don't be defeated by pride and don't be afraid to just be yourself, people might actually love you the way that you are with all the imperfections.
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